Hello. Please Go Away.

Hello.

It's probably a bad thing, that when I bug someone, I find pleasure in it?

At first when I am talking to someone, I go out of my way not to come across as clingy, or over enthusiastic. In fact... I'm a bit paranoid.

But every once in a while, there's that person who rubs me just the wrong way after we've been talking for a while, and I feel all that paranoia disappear, and have no trouble sending them ridiculous comments after a few too many drinks.

The thing is, I know they don't enjoy this new, annoying me. Because that's exactly what I want.

For them to...Go away?

Maybe.

Because it's easier to piss someone off, so they never talk to you again, than to worry every day that what you're saying is wrong.

You could probably say I "...push people away..." Yes... That's probably... Definitely true.

It's pure laziness on my part.

I don't want to have to work to have people like me.

And no one likes a clingy girl.

The one who has to text "hello" every day. And talk for hours about nothing.

Eventually, they leave you alone completely.

I may have lost a potential friend... boyfriend... anything...

But it's better than losing them later when they get close.

I think I've just started to see how terrible that is...

Last night I started to burn another bridge.

But I went to bed thinking...

"This person cares about you. This person cared enough to talk to you in the first place. Why are you going out of your way to ruin this?"

Maybe I'm trying to protect myself.... But in doing that... I'm losing the things that are important to me before I even have them. And that's wrong...

So my challenge to you? Be good. To everyone. Have genuine conversations with someone you have yet to get to know.

Lord knows I'm working on that myself ;)

So in the next week, I'll start to rebuild bridges. And be myself. Not someone I'm not, be it suave, sexy and cool... or naggy, clingy, and obnoxious. I can find my happy medium that has nothing to do with trying to make friends, or get rid of them before I find them.

May be stupid... But it's a goal for me.... :P

Thanks

~Cheers

For the One Who Wasn't There

Today,
I went to my grandfather's church's cemetery.
It was his turn to take care of the grounds.

My uncle, his son, Is buried there.
He died just before he turned nineteen.
I never met him

He was a veteran. His veteran plaque next to his headstone was covered in dirt and grass.
Carefully, my grandfather washed the grime away.

My grandfather is very old. He is silent. When he speaks, people listen.
My grandfather is strong. He shows little emotion. He works, constantly.
He bears his cross without complaint.

The reason I was in town was because our whole family had decided to get together.
His children were all there at his house. While we were here. Working.
All of his children but one.

I'm one of the few who has seen my grandfather's emotion. I have seen him angry. I have seen him laugh.

Today, I saw my grandfather leave the grave of his son.
Today, I saw my grandfather in pain.
For the son who couldn't be with us today.
And as quickly as the pain had shown, it was gone.
My grandfather.
Stoic.
Silent.

Suffering.

Gift

I think it's funny that you can give yourself to someone... and they don't want it.
Love isn't like some crappy gift, in a box with ribbons.
It's something you feel. And it almost means more than those physical gifts.
You can give it... You can feel it... You just can't hold it. Touch it
Know for sure it's there...

When you don't know what you have, it's hard to move from where you are.
It's hard to love without fear, when you don't know if that love will be accepted.
Because if it's not, then what do you do? You've given so much of yourself. Only to find that the receiver didn't want it in the first place. Then you're lost. With nothing.
Up the river without a paddle?
I believe that's the phrase.

I definitely made that mistake.
Giving something, to someone.
It's not that they didn't want it... Just that I suppose it got old.
We always have to have the next best thing.
I guess the best thing wasn't me.

It's probably a bit pathetic that my first few blogs on this site have been mopey and ridiculous. For that I apologize.
But it's what's on my mind.
Among other things.
But thanks for reading...

~Cheers

Hello. Period.

Well.
Hello. I suppose.
I used to blog.
Quite a lot actually.
I enjoyed it. So I assume I still do...
I'm not sure exactly what happened to my blogging ways. It used to be a daily thing. And whenever I had a thought. That was a lot I suppose.
So. I decided to start a new blog I guess... Yes. That's it.

Hello.
I haven't got much interesting to tell about myself. At the moment. I don't believe. I just thought I might need some explanation for this noob looking blog. It probably won't be all that good anyway you know.
If you're reading this, I think I like you. You're lovely.

If you'd like to know, questions are nice. I love questions. Gives me something to talk about. And think about. And Blog about now.
I like music. Quite a lot. Oh and books. Books are nice.
Cozy old houses too. On chilly days when you'd rather look at the outside from a window, than actually leave the indoors.

That's what I like.
And writing.
So thank you.

~Cheers

Words?

Hey. You're not supposed to be scared. I'm the scared one here.
Yes. But I'm the one who trusted a stranger.
Just another emo phase you know.
I'll be over everything. Just give me a week.
A month.
A year.


What is one to do, when one runs out of things to say? Or words to say what they mean... Perhaps it is easier to just say nothing.
But the silence says it all.
You could at least have the courtesy to look.
To search for those words.
Believe me, they can't be that hard to find.
Every day, people have words. Have things to say. With no problem at all.
I wish I had words.

Words come to me. All the time. A constant flow. Like a river.
The thing about rivers is, they don't just stop. Not that they don't want to. They can't.
Nor can the words in my head.
As soon as they reach me, and I have a grasp on them, they are gone again. Off to wherever lost thoughts go.

How lonely it must be to be a thought. So often ignored.

I think I'll just stop thinking... Hopefully then the words will have somewhere to rest. Maybe. If only for a moment.